Friday, 18 November 2016

I don't feel beautiful

We all have those really shit days, weeks, months when we look in the mirror and think ‘blimey, is that really me?’.

Someone who I don’t recognise is looking back at me.

All I see is dark unwashed roots, overgrown eyebrows, unpainted nails, blemished skin and can’t help but think think that I’m unrecognisable. My mood and the effort I make with my appearance goes hand in hand. If I’m feeling low, I surprise myself if I wash my hair. My energy and motivation is currently at zero. 

The longer that I gaze into the mirror, the more I realise that it’s not just that I don’t feel beautiful, it's deeper that that, it’s that I don’t feel like myself, and being yourself is that most beautiful thing you can be. 

I ask myself if I can get back to that place where I know who I am, where I’m going and what I want my life to be. 

In a recent conversation with my Doctor about my mental health, I realised that I can’t remember that last day that I didn’t have a sinking feeling of doubt in the pit of my stomach. Constant questions caused by my own self-doubt put me under daily scrutiny. For someone who has never felt this way, it might be hard to understand or imagine. Someone said to me ‘it’s all in your head, you have control over this’. It’s simply not that easy. No one in my family has struggled with mental health, to my knowledge, so it’s not something that I ever imagined to be battling. Accepting that this is a problem is pretty recent for me and surprisingly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to admit to myself and those closest to me. 

There’s days where I lock myself in my bedroom and don’t even think to eat or drink. Then there’s days I can’t stand sitting still or the silence. My Dad gave me some advice today, he told me to do more of what makes me happy. I need to spend some time realising what that is again. I guess that’s why I’m here tapping away on my keyboard, doing what once made me happy. Apparently writing things down can be quite therapeutic. We'll see. 

So let’s see where this goes… 

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